Recovery forces us to admit, out loud, to an unconditional witness, the secrets we keep, even to ourselves which previously allowed us to justify various dysfunctional behaviors that had once served the function of saving our lives but would eventually kill us, literally, figuratively, or both.

I realized my eating disorder had turned my body into a weapon that visually stated everything I couldn’t say: Look what you’ve done to me. There’s nothing left to take. I’d rather die than face it. I reject the conditions of this world. I don’t deserve nourishment. I’m too small to save you. These secrets are eating me alive. I can’t control this chaos but the willpower of my starvation is impenetrable. You can’t f&k a ghost.

I suppose I had it easy with regard to what I’d seen about myself and yet, I think for each of us, this much is true: our revelations are equal to our devastations.~

Just a little something from a much bigger something.

5 thoughts on “Sip

  1. Did people marginalize you when you were in the throes of it? The darkest parts I mean. Most of the time I suffer, I feel all alone, like people are giving me a wide margin, as if I’m contagious or am going to bring them down. I started with a therapist a little over a year ago. We’re great friends and are sharing. Obviously she doesn’t reveal her deep issues. But I hear some. I’d like to get rich so I can hire more therapists just to hang out with. The pandemic has made it rough. I really don’t know how to socialize and don’t have the energy to even get out for walks. Last month I had a short stretch where I felt better than I had in fifteen years. Fifteen years was before losing my career and marriage. My ex and I remained friends. In recent months she’s even been avoiding me. Last week she’s being a little more social again. Dating online is kind of brutal. I’m blunt about my history, but also the fact that I’m recovering. It’s my litmus test. Anyone brave enough to handle that are notable.

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    • Unfortunately, the way we’re judged and stratified in the world has hurt me at different times, and I see how it continues to hurt so many which breaks my heart because there’s more than enough of everything for all of us to live fully nourished lives.

      I hear your hurt B. As humans, we’re wired for connection. We all long for the same things: to be loved, nurtured, protected, seen, valued and given opportunities to grow and become our best selves.

      I’m glad to hear you have support through your therapist and that you and your ex have been able to remain friends.

      It can be scary to reach out, try new things and make new friends, but it’s worth it. I hope you keep finding safe and healthy ways to grow and heal.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I just don’t know how I would ever feel so lost and just different, you know. My ex was avoiding me for awhile. Maybe she was seeing someone. I wish she would tell me. I don’t care, as a friend, I just want to be in the loop. I’ve always appreciated your posts. Thinking back, I do remember you mentioning this theme before. It’s sounds difficult. For me, as bad as I sound, I was so much worse a year and a half ago. I was able to feel real gratitude in recent weeks. My therapist noticed. I said “How bout that.” Because I’ve practiced gratitude, I didn’t actually feel it. I’m also starting to feel genuine affection. This is a tough one because it confuses me, challenges me. It’s like one of those crazy out of control fire hoses. Those things can kill you if they hit you right. I talk/write a lot when I’m around people. Just a more recent habit. I used to be a good listener. People used to say they could tell me anything. I kept it to myself. I felt it was a very special thing to share that sort of trust with people. Now it’s almost ridiculous to say that I was once quite respectable, kind, and considerate. I was bright, thoughtful, and witty. Somewhere it just dwindled. I still had issues, but no worse than anyone. From my perspective, people seem so carefree. But logic tells me differently, even though my senses are dull. But like I said, I’m significantly better than I was. Even today, I sense gratitude for that. Have a good weekend. 🙂

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