Recovery forces us to admit, out loud, to an unconditional witness, the secrets we keep, even to ourselves which previously allowed us to justify various dysfunctional behaviors that had once served the function of saving our lives but would eventually kill us, literally, figuratively, or both.
I realized my eating disorder had turned my body into a weapon that visually stated everything I couldnāt say: Look what youāve done to me. Thereās nothing left to take. Iād rather die than face it. I reject the conditions of this world. I donāt deserve nourishment. Iām too small to save you. These secrets are eating me alive. I canāt control this chaos but the willpower of my starvation is impenetrable. You canāt f&k a ghost.
I suppose I had it easy with regard to what Iād seen about myself and yet, I think for each of us, this much is true: our revelations are equal to our devastations.~
Just a little something from a much bigger something.
Did people marginalize you when you were in the throes of it? The darkest parts I mean. Most of the time I suffer, I feel all alone, like people are giving me a wide margin, as if Iām contagious or am going to bring them down. I started with a therapist a little over a year ago. Weāre great friends and are sharing. Obviously she doesnāt reveal her deep issues. But I hear some. Iād like to get rich so I can hire more therapists just to hang out with. The pandemic has made it rough. I really donāt know how to socialize and donāt have the energy to even get out for walks. Last month I had a short stretch where I felt better than I had in fifteen years. Fifteen years was before losing my career and marriage. My ex and I remained friends. In recent months sheās even been avoiding me. Last week sheās being a little more social again. Dating online is kind of brutal. Iām blunt about my history, but also the fact that Iām recovering. Itās my litmus test. Anyone brave enough to handle that are notable.
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Unfortunately, the way weāre judged and stratified in the world has hurt me at different times, and I see how it continues to hurt so many which breaks my heart because thereās more than enough of everything for all of us to live fully nourished lives.
I hear your hurt B. As humans, weāre wired for connection. We all long for the same things: to be loved, nurtured, protected, seen, valued and given opportunities to grow and become our best selves.
Iām glad to hear you have support through your therapist and that you and your ex have been able to remain friends.
It can be scary to reach out, try new things and make new friends, but itās worth it. I hope you keep finding safe and healthy ways to grow and heal.
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I just donāt know how I would ever feel so lost and just different, you know. My ex was avoiding me for awhile. Maybe she was seeing someone. I wish she would tell me. I donāt care, as a friend, I just want to be in the loop. Iāve always appreciated your posts. Thinking back, I do remember you mentioning this theme before. Itās sounds difficult. For me, as bad as I sound, I was so much worse a year and a half ago. I was able to feel real gratitude in recent weeks. My therapist noticed. I said āHow bout that.ā Because Iāve practiced gratitude, I didnāt actually feel it. Iām also starting to feel genuine affection. This is a tough one because it confuses me, challenges me. Itās like one of those crazy out of control fire hoses. Those things can kill you if they hit you right. I talk/write a lot when Iām around people. Just a more recent habit. I used to be a good listener. People used to say they could tell me anything. I kept it to myself. I felt it was a very special thing to share that sort of trust with people. Now itās almost ridiculous to say that I was once quite respectable, kind, and considerate. I was bright, thoughtful, and witty. Somewhere it just dwindled. I still had issues, but no worse than anyone. From my perspective, people seem so carefree. But logic tells me differently, even though my senses are dull. But like I said, Iām significantly better than I was. Even today, I sense gratitude for that. Have a good weekend. š
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I hope youāre feeling better
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Thank you. I am! This was written in reflecting on the lowest times in my struggle. Iām grateful to be where I am today in my recovery.
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