“Mommy’s alright, daddy’s alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don’t give yourself away.”-Cheap Trick

Until I learned how to love, prior and hungry attempts felt like a cheap trick. Men can eat more than women. Commercials sell more than useless products which end up in our collective dumpster of misguided leaps of faith; the ones in which we futilely pray for soft landings, easy answers, utopia delivered to our doorstep in thirty minutes or less, or it’s free. True freedom requires participation beyond coupon clipping and channel surfing.

Two nights ago I dreamt of Goldilocks and the three mattresses; one undone Queen which smelled of unfamiliar bodies, a cold twin covered in rumpled sheets dampened from cortisol induced night sweats (the desperate lies of unloved adult-children surely take death’s toll), and finally a sunken single by a windowsill overlooking Central Park, crawling with bed bugs. I’d come to recognize symptoms of such disease and backed away quickly. Rejecting those limited options, I realized there was an ocean of choice just beyond the now unlocked room. Awareness was key. I didn’t have to settle for this.

Who hasn’t asked at least once, not to be surrounded by wounded, egomaniacal, helplessly infantilized, soul-sucking, privilege-blind, jerk-babies? The face in the mirror included. They all say it’s the fall; an angry sister who becomes a volcano, a snail on the back of a turtle shell, forbidden fruit in a garden. We’re meant to fail, to burn and then to undertake the grueling work of crawling out from shallow graves. To live. We come fully alive the day we realize no one’s coming to our rescue.

If we’re lucky this doesn’t have to mean throwing mummies, daddies and babies out with the bath water. Boundaries to the rescue. Surrender means graceful acceptance from the bottom of a well of compassion; a faithful companion who can dive deeper than topsoil, bed rocks, bugs and piss.

We learn how to fill the void from the inside out. Scraping the sediment around our heart into quiet and composting thoughts. We learn how to be alone without stuffing the silence in busyness and blame, recognizing and responding to our own cries; hungry, angry, lonely, tired. To stop, be, see, think and feel without ordering fries.

And that’s when we realize, they’re not lying or conniving, just doing their best. The jokes not on us unless we succumb to the sting of sarcasm and paralysis of disparity turned in ourselves. The breadth and depth of love, across the spectrum of grey and earthly matters, is the question, answer, truth.

I still don’t like closing my eyes in the shower but under the water I sing. Don’t give yourself away. xo

Four more days and then I tackle the summit. In between chores and wrapping presents, I’m just under 64,000. The goal is somewhere around 100,000, words, not feet. Yesterday my sister wrote me about feeling conflicted in writing her testimony, saying how there’s so much wrong with what’d we lived through, but so much right too. I told her in that case, her testimony’s perfect. We don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty for telling the truth because the whole truth doesn’t camp out at Finger Point junction, Reactivity Mountain, Lake Wallow. Any life story consists of compost and a harvest…maybe that’s the trick. We’ve got to figure out how to get up from under the weight of all the shit, probably before sunrise, to plant the damned seeds, fight off predators and protect our little plot till it sprouts wings and watermelons. Sweet dreams.

12 thoughts on “Surrender

  1. Dear E where have I been? In a pile of manure but hey the best things come from a good pile of poop, don’t they? 😉 So happy to hear you are over half way to your goal with your book. That has got to be a blessing in itself. I pray your holidays are merry, and bright. And if they are dimly lit always remember you are the only you we have, and it is marvelous in our eyes. Now that I’m all caught up on your blog, I’m having a cookie 🙂 much love to you E 🙂

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    • Hey Mags! Merry Christmas! Being under a pile of manure sounds rough but here’s to the harvest huh? I’ve been a terrible blog friend to everyone. The book is my part time job right now but I’m loving the process. My brain can only process so much information so I haven’t had the bandwidth to read much of anything so I’m glad you stopped by. Sending prayers and love your way and hoping 2019 is as sweet and delicious as a whole plate of cookies! ❤️

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      • I know I haven’t been a good blogging friend either. I have neglected everyone. I don’t follow that many people so one would think I could keep up but it has been like this, God will bless me with something tremendous then it’s followed by a catastrophe or 3 hahaha. I am glad God is on the throne or else I don’t know what I would do. So, no worries about keeping up. We will catch up when we can. I’m excited for your book. I know it has been a lifetime in the making, and it will be a pleasure to read 🙂

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      • Aww Mags, I’m sorry to hear you’re stuck in the waves. Figured that flood was your crap quota for at least the next decade. I’ll be praying a ring of his mercies, protection and favor encircle you and yours like an impenetrable 360 degree force field of holy armor. When enemies try and run up on you, they’ll bounce off like rubber balls into the nearest dumpster. 😁 That ought to clear up some space for catching up. Play first! I’ve found that’s the best way to refuel.

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      • Hello, Margaret! 🙂 We don’t know each other, but reading what you said about being a bad blog friend etc, that happens to me as well – comes with the territory of writing, and living, I think. We just don’t have infinite energy and time and resources. So we whittle away when the moons line up! Depending on what the moons line up for! 🙂 Best wishes to you!

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  2. “True freedom requires participation beyond coupon clipping and channel surfing.” Beautiful. I want that on a T-shirt!

    And then it gets even more amazing. Thank you for writing and sharing! ❤ This is marvellous. One to re-read again and again, like you can listen to a great song over and over and get more from it every time. You genius! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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