• Prove to be true or genuine
  • Validate
  • Verify

In the quest for survival we strive to prove, validate and verify that we are. All my atoms have miraculously gathered themselves into the solid mass of a walking, talking, conscious being. I think I’ve come together quite nicely, incidentally. What additional proof do they need that I AM? Regardless of how nicely or not nicely we’ve been constructed, humans should all be classified as sacred geometry and therefore exempt from the humiliating additions and subtractions of worth assigned to us by the ruling class-meticians. You are missing X and must therefore subtract a living wage, affordable housing, equal opportunities, basic safety, dignity and comfort from the equation of your less than life. Faaaak! But Y? Susie, your watermelons are assholes.

I’m told I spend too much time in my head. Given the current pandemic this seems like a safe bet. Excessive research and hyper-attention to detail are two of my many survival superpowers. I think, therefore I’m still alive. My husband had his peritoneal catheter surgery last week after plummeting into kidney failure just ten weeks after our dog had his right leg amputated. We knew the kidney failure was on the horizon but our dog’s bone cancer diagnosis was a massive curve ball. None of it, however, was predicted to go down during a global pandemic. These are the the kinds of events google can’t explain and so, I’ve gone in, where, according to the gurus, my god-consciousness lives, to seek the truth.

Dear me, who?

Who gets to self-actualize, be free to be!, not wake up to an alarm, manifest their best life or whatever? My research indicates that authentic lives are reserved for wealthy sons with unlimited career options and trust funds, who quit their corporate jobs, open meditation centers and get interviewed by Oprah OR very beautiful women in Europe who have YouTube channels selling luxury lifestyle products to women who can’t afford them. (I follow them all!) Are my calculations close?

Dear me, what?

What are the requirements, ingredients, or dimensions of an authentic life; one that is 100% freely chosen, as opposed to a collection of objects and experiences we’ve desperately grasped and clung to in the typhoon of existence? I would like to request an additional 500 square feet; mostly in our kitchen as currently, the fridge door opens and touches the counter. Kyle would also like a garage.

Dear me, where?

Where can these elements be found? (I think it’s Pottery Barn. That’s where my dream couch lives.)

Dear me, how?

How, on earth, does one accomplish this seemingly elusive but clearly essential task of becoming something other than a disposable, non-existent cog in this concrete machine called capitalism?

Dear me, why?

If I’m not real (aka: authentic), why does seemingly very real shit keep happening? Also, since I don’t exist, can I stop paying bills, cleaning, showering and like, showing up to work?

Dear me, when?

Is there a particular moment, birthday, milestone or other indicator that appears to declare when one has made the transition from fake to real? Do we get more or less hair? Does our body odor change? Will we question our gender? Get the urge to masturbate in strange places? Is it like spiritual puberty? There was that puppet who, after a bad night of gambling, was visited by a blue fairy and magically, his strings fell off and he was declared a ‘real boy’. What happens to girl puppets? While there are no strings on me, I can’t deny being controlled by invisible hands which have dictated my words and actions against my will despite surviving the belly of many, many whales.

Lies are tiny death sentences. Most of us, as we’re cattle prodded along the plank, plunged into lesson after lesson, would not call our actions ‘brave’. We are declared brave by our gruesome, sometimes stylish, and well-housed oppressors, so we’ll continue doing their bidding. I don’t have the strength or time to address the pandemic, other than to say, all those sappy commercials are insulting propaganda akin to the draft. The last thing essential workers need is patronizing pity. PPE. Hazard pay. Rent freezes. Leadership that aren’t bloated bags of explosive, golfing, pathology. All that would be massively preferable to gag-inducing sap and blanket denial of an unfathomable mountain of death. How’s that for real?

Is it just me, or does it feel like there’s a memory of centuries of climbing to the highest point, yelling, waving, screaming WE ARE HERE! living in our blood and yet, no matter how much we do or try, we never count? We never count. I still count on my fingers, a good night’s sleep and Love.

Deepak says the end of all human suffering is found in the discovery and expression of our authentic self.

Better hurry and get one of those! The discovery and expression of an authentic self can not be found on Amazon Prime. I looked but the reviews said they were all fakes. Bummer. So instead, I watched Deepak’s three hour talk on Neuroscience and Enlightenment. Check it out:

It was honestly fascinating. Allow me to save you two hours and fifty minutes. Basically, modern humans are about 200,000 years old (cosmic babies). Before that, we were humanoid animals hitting, raping, hoarding and otherwise clawing at each other for safety while a bunch of jocks and preppies established this exclusive club called capitalism. They even made each other matching jackets by some guy named Armondi? This resulted in several million years of trauma history which caused our modern human brains to be plagued with limbic dysregulation, or what shrinks call mental illness; a grossly insufficient term used to shame a spectrum of perfectly natural survival responses.

Enlightenment, or authentication, is the practice of aligning with God or unity consciousness and nonjudgmentally observing our human experience. Watch the last ten minutes of the talk for the low key, down low.

What Deepak doesn’t explain, and what many talks and texts like this fail to address is, the neuroscience of trauma healing (the neurobiology of ego strength is my latest research rabbit hole). No one with a big voice is talking about the contents of the bridge between our wounded, animal selves, our limbic dysregulation, our addictions, our concrete obstacles and our true nature, which is God, which is Love.

Where is the how-to for real people? Yes, yoga, kale, meditation. Duh! But what do mere, roughed up mortals, trapped in human-construct chains, need to make the quantum leap from an attachment to Coke Zero to absolute liberation?

Early retirement and four million dollars would be a fantastic start.


Am I real yet?

I don’t know the name of this pose but Ratchet said I was doing it wrong.

Writing this post in the yoga pants quarantine made me buy. They feel like butter. #happyplace Oh my ghee! Butter is the path to enlightenment. YAS!!!!

6 thoughts on “Authenticate

  1. I wish you and your family well, as you ride difficulties through difficulties.

    (Here’s my way too long impression.)

    I’ve done some research on capitalism in the past and feel that it’s not intrinsically bad, but inherently bad, where those who are unsettled by money addictions can’t seem to get enough and buy out the competition and making it impossible for the little family business of the urban poor, and such places, to make a living selling goods or services.

    I haven’t researched the rumors I’ve heard about rich people who just can’t stop collecting money. I haven’t because it seems pretty obvious. I’m not certain that it’s across the board affliction. But it spurs similar behavior down the ranks, the desperation for money, I mean. It might have its roots in survival instinct. I’m guessing.

    I’ve been reading a book outlining historical and modern struggles of US indigenous people by Native American scholar Nick Estes, called “Our History is Our Future.” I have to read in small chunks because of all the injustice that his people have gone through. If there was a stronger word than injustice I could think of, I’d use it.

    According to Estes, this country was founded on white supremacy, and remains so. He knows this because his people still have little respect by the US government or a large population of it’s citizens. According to something I read somewhere else a few years ago, Hitler used Manifest Destiny as part of his guideline for his domination plans.

    Why are other people and governments and people in the world emulating the politics of the United States? I’m guessing because it’s profitable to exploit land and people. But Estes states that capitalism is a very unnatural condition in our world.

    I wonder if the perfect world would have a lot less objects.

    Sometime last year, I bought a robotic vacuum cleaner. I used to feel funny mentioning it. But since the divorce, I don’t know, eight years ago?, I found that I hadn’t been cleaning the carpets like I should. I think it was because I was just tired of something that had been a responsibility most of my life.

    The rest of the apartment is in decent shape. But months later, when that little thing kicks in around seven every morning, I look up and say, “Hey buddy!” It’s my way of being grateful for this little service that improves my quality of life.

    Would I buy a lot of stuff if I had the money? Probably, maybe. Sometimes I almost sound like I’m making one of those promises that you make to get through a difficult moment. “Get me through and I’ll never binge spend again!”

    There are many of us that would like to make enough to feel settled, that’s all. And some of us want to be rich. But in some ways, it seems like a knee jerk reaction just to fit in with the trend.

    I wish there was an option for alternate thinkers who didn’t want to live within the confines of capitalism and not look like a cult. That would likely mean giving up robotic vacuum cleaners or important things like advanced medical care.

    In a better world, we would take care of each other. There would be less need for some medical and psychological services, because we could be more in touch with the needs of our people. Our world could develop in a way to benefit people without having to be constrained by “the bottom line.”

    Right now my thoughts about capitalism are that it’s so ingrained into society that society, not individual people, demand participation. People are necessary aspects, collectors, refiners, builders, marketers, consumers. It is a pyramid scheme. Everyone contributes what they can to support the tier above them. The hope is that there are levels below us that can support us.

    That’s why we want to get the poor working jobs rather than let them collect free services. In reality, we know there are programs that drain a lot more resources than do the poor. But it creates an easy distraction for the classes that contribute the system. And out of all the pieces of society, the poor are not equipped to put up a fight. Though some of us try to defend them, we’re too busy trying to keep ourselves afloat in this ridiculous system.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey Brand. Wow! And yes. And oh my. I love indoor plumbing, especially my dishwasher so I completely understand and support your vacuum robot 😉
      We long for creature comforts. Even our dog knows the difference between the soft, comfy blanket and the less comfy alternative. I don’t think any of those are intrinsically bad.
      It seems like things take a turn for the worse when unchecked privilege and pathology are left to run amuck.
      I’m guessing a perfect world would indeed have less objects and more…affection?
      Maybe if we all felt loved enough we’d need less things?
      I too wish for alternatives that aren’t cults 😉 Friendly places where responsibilities, rejuvenation and rest are shared equally. We can dare to dream.
      Well, you’ve written a beautiful, thought provoking post.
      Thanks as always for sharing. I hope you’re staying well in the midst of all this.

      Liked by 1 person

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