Other G.O.A.T Queries:
1. Dear Agent,
You appear to be a well connected genius. Your hair is very nice (even though your website picture is from like, five years ago).
I am a very smart person who is well qualified to tell my story. I have fancy degrees and a marketable face. Also, I don’t suck at interviews.
If you would like to play the publishing lottery lottery with me, please email me back.
You’re really, really smart and powerful.
Humbly but with confidence,
2. Dear (secret) Agent,
I read that you enjoy witty banter in the query letters you receive. I suck at dad jokes but maybe you’re a Charles Dickens Agent?
I don’t even know what that joke means but, I wrote a very important book that could change existence for trauma survivors. So, if you’re not too exhausted from the global pandemic, wanna help me get a kick ass book deal?
ps: that’s both a joke and a clue
3. Dear Agent,
I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your hobbies, achievements and book wish list. You have done many important things. Hurrah! We’re so friendly now.
So, I wrote a book. It’s pretty great. My platform is wicked small cause I’m not famous and have yet to be adopted as a pet project by an influential white lady with buckets of money. But, I managed to crawl out of poverty with an intact sense of optimism. All I really need is a graphic designer, professional editor, giant marketing team and a legit publisher to help make you lots of money with the pretty great book I wrote.
If you’d like to pimp me out to one of the Big 5 I’d be super grateful.
Your pal in the universe, e
4. Dear Agent,
Your horse farm in the Berkshires contributes greatly to your agent aesthetic. Everyone who knows you is very impressed by how awesome your life turned out.
I’m not as awesome as you but I’m an ok writer. I’d say, I’m at least better than the ghost writers of celebrity memoirs who say ‘f’ a lot and name drop. I don’t really have any names to drop but a few sentences in my book are def mic drops!
I can send you my book proposal, CV, a photocopy of my highest degree, my most recent lab results, a hair sample or whatever else you think might help you decide if I’m worthy enough to get put on a shelf next to metaphors about polar bears.
I love you (is that weird?), e
5. Dear Agent,
Can we just cut the crap and do this?