Other G.O.A.T Queries:

1. Dear Agent,

You appear to be a well connected genius. Your hair is very nice (even though your website picture is from like, five years ago).

I am a very smart person who is well qualified to tell my story. I have fancy degrees and a marketable face. Also, I don’t suck at interviews.

If you would like to play the publishing lottery with me, please email me back.

You’re really, really smart and powerful.

Humbly but with confidence,

e

2. Dear (secret) Agent,

I read that you enjoy witty banter in the query letters you receive. I suck at dad jokes but maybe you’re a Charles Dickens Agent?

I don’t even know what that joke means but, I wrote a very important book that could change existence for trauma survivors. So, if you’re not too exhausted from the global pandemic, wanna help me get a kick ass book deal?

Word, e

ps: that’s both a joke and a clue

3. Dear Agent,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your hobbies, achievements and book wish list. You have done many important things. Hurrah! We’re so friendly now.

So, I wrote a book. It’s pretty great. My platform is wicked small cause I’m not famous and have yet to be adopted as a pet project by an influential white lady with buckets of money. But, I managed to crawl out of poverty with an intact sense of optimism. All I really need is a graphic designer, professional editor, giant marketing team and a legit publisher to help make you lots of money with the pretty great book I wrote.

If you’d like to pimp me out to one of the Big 5 I’d be super grateful.

Your pal in the universe, e

4. Dear Agent,

Your horse farm in the Berkshires contributes greatly to your agent aesthetic. Everyone who knows you is very impressed by how awesome your life turned out.

I’m not as awesome as you but I’m an ok writer. I’d say, I’m at least better than the ghost writers of celebrity memoirs who say ‘f’ a lot and name drop. I don’t really have any names to drop but a few sentences in my book are def mic drops!

I can send you my book proposal, CV, a photocopy of my highest degree, my most recent lab results, a hair sample or whatever else you think might help you decide if I’m worthy enough to get put on a shelf next to metaphors about polar bears.

I love you (is that weird?), e

5. Dear Agent,

Can we just cut the crap and do this?

Call me.

e

14 thoughts on “The Greatest Query Letters of All Time

  1. ROFL. Know the feeling. Near-enough nobody is interested in trauma articles no matter how insightful and well-written, if you’re not already famous, or connected to someone with leverage. Near-nobody = maybe somebody somewhere who’s as much of a black sheep as us. Harry Potter got published after receiving many rejections, because at long last somebody’s *kid* read it and said, “You’ve got to publish this!”

    James Herriot AKA “All Creatures Great And Small” had dozens of rejections and had given up. His wife kept sending the manuscript around, without him even knowing, and eventually it hit a yes…

    The thing that keeps repeating in that story is that the people who are supposed to know what many people are going to be interested in actually missed what went on to become some of the most lastingly influential and popular things…

    If your book was read by enough people, it would take off by word of mouth. Brett says: “The Martian” was originally published piecemeal in a blog, before getting a book deal and then having a movie made out of it. Also some e-books ended up being picked up by professional publishers. Wanna publish an e-book?

    Though personally, I still think you’d win a first-manuscript competition somewhere, if you entered the right one – and forgot about querying publishers as you first line. Just my opinion however, and I’m not an oracle! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ah Sue. You’re a brilliant writer. Keep sending those submissions! More and more, readers are looking for thought leaders with lived experience. None of us want to be talked at by ‘professionals’ who haven’t been there as it feels judgmental, or shaming.

      Thanks for the encouragement. All those rejection/success stories keep us going. I’ve not heard of The Martian but the author used a good tactic. We all find our way I guess.

      As for me, I have no plans of leaking beyond what I already share here, in my trainings and in that article from ages ago. I’m content with the slow and steady race.

      Cheers😊

      Like

  2. Dear Ms E, I do think that the time has come to repeat one of my favourite poems, which comes in so handy for all sorts of situations. It was originally published in a student charity paper, anonymously, back in the late 80s. I’ve never forgotten it.

    HAPPY IS THE MORON

    Happy is the moron
    He doesn’t give a damn
    I wish I were a moron
    Oh no! Perhaps I am!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Maybe you could write letters for me. Last submission I made was responded to saying something like “even we don’t know how we come up with our selections,” which at least gave me a laugh. Break a leg! (Or lead?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • 😂😂😂that’s the best response ever!
      Finding more appropriate words today but this was very cathartic.
      If I come up with a real winner I’m happy to share the magic😁

      Liked by 1 person

  4. God, E, I really hope you’ve sent at least one of these brilliant, hilarious queries to a real agent. They caught my attention. Anyone smart enough and smart-assy enough to write these has obviously written a book worth taking a look at.

    Liked by 2 people

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