Some people love winter. I get it. You ski and have 100 Pinterest boards dedicated to Hygge featuring cozy cabins, soup recipes, arm knitted scarves, steaming mugs topped with cinnamon sticks, majestic landscapes draped in white, glittering fondant. Chimneys, sleds and icicles make you nostalgic. There’s even a special drawer for your collection of mittens. Great. Some of us feel very differently. If you happen to be one of those people whose face doesn’t turn white, purple and chapped while shuffling from the house to your dirty, frozen car in the morning, kindly snowshoe to the next igloo. This doesn’t concern you.
The struggle is real, especially when your BMI is made up of pumpkin puree and a pathetic ration of crunchy peanut butter. Apparently the country’s in some sort of deep freeze, including Florida. This is normally the time of year they’d be posting snowmen made of beach sand and SPF; instead my girlfriend’s sons are taking turns wearing the mermaid blanket I sent her at Christmas. It’s teal, makes you look like an ocean goddess and they don’t care. The older I get the less tolerance I have for how much heat and hot water I still can’t afford. This morning I cleaned the house in a snowsuit. We try to save our wood so a single cord lasts all winter; one of the perks of loft living. When my husband left to go skateboarding my nose was running while I waited for water to boil. Baby, I’m freezing. And then he said a series of all the wrong things: Why? Because even though there’s no snow on the ground, it’s winter. I thought that was obvious. Put some clothes on. As I previously mentioned I was already wearing a snowsuit so this was not an option. Me too. Don’t even. And finally: What can I do about it? Then he kissed me, took our fur child and left to go play outside.
While hunched and sniffling over a broom I thought of ten things he and other smart partners can say when she says I’m cold!
TEN THINGS TO SAY WHEN SHE SAYS I’M COLD:
1. You should eat something. Acceptable alternatives include: You looked cold so I brought you this warm cheese pizza with a bowl of heated sauce for you to dunk your slices in because that’s how much I love you.
2. I’ve installed that hot tub you always wanted. I have always wanted my own lava hot, germ free wading pool. Thank you king of my sweet dreams.
3. Here is a cordless electric blanket which I’ve set to broil. Some blankets come with lame settings like low, medium and high. This one is the winner.
4. Free People started making ethical, fashion-forward snuggies so I got one for you. It’s beautiful and I love it almost as much as I now love you.
5. I got you this piping hot, calorie-free chai, mocha cocoa with semi-melted Cool Whip and the perfect chocolate chip cookie. Genius.
6. How about a foot massage before I put these heated booties on your feet? You’re too kind. The massage oil is next the neti pot in the second drawer.
7. I called Mother Nature and ordered Summer. It’ll be here in 15 minutes or it’s free. I married a wizard.
8. Our plane for Mexico leaves in an hour and we’re all packed. Bonus points for sending in my letter of resignation and winning the lottery.
9. I booked you 3 months at Brassada Ranch with unlimited sauna access. My sweet baboo, how did I ever live without you?
10. Your editor called. Your unwritten book is a bestseller and we’re moving to Belize. I don’t have editor yet but that sounds delightful.
I’m happy to say there’s a fire burning now, my hubs and our dog are home and there’s nothing like love, laughing and ten wild fantasies to put the color back in your cheeks.
Stay warm, friends. xo