Digornio frozen pizza saved my life. The first ingredient is probably something we can’t pronounce but for me, it was an affordable, delicious way to re-gain the weight that magically disappeared when the world shut down.

In 2020, I was in three dangerous relationships. Digornio gave me the strength to leave all of them; my ex, my job and that bitch Rexy…aka anorexia…again.

I didn’t mean to relapse. Eating disorders have a way of turning teaspoons into shovels or vice versa; pun intended. We literally lose sight of our size and portions when food is our abusive partner. We’re gaslit by commercials, scales, skinny jeans, sweatpants, mirrors, rogue comments, selfies and social media. Eventually, the noise becomes too overwhelming and we find ourselves sprinting towards the only thing we can control: food.

We drown out the noise by becoming engulfed in what we have or haven’t eaten, what we will or won’t eat, how good or bad we’ve been told it is, how much it costs, the calories, proteins, sugar, sodium, fiber and fat content, the effort it takes to make it, the cost of the ingredients, who we will or won’t eat in front of, where we’ll hide it or how we’ll get rid of the evidence; as if eating were some kind of crime.

I’m about to murder this burger.

Ummm…the cow’s already dead.

Have you ever noticed there’s a peanut gallery of anxiety producing, ‘expert’ food critics that start yelling at you every time you’re trying to figure out what to eat? Yea, me too. And it’s exhausting.

Rich white people canceled food. Dominant culture controls the representation and narrative of all things related to food, eating, disorders and recovery. The irony of course, is 10 companies owned mostly by rich white guys, control the majority of the food we buy. They meticulously study our brains, zip codes, habits, behavioral trends and pummel us with targeted marketing while depleting our executive function through meaningless, underpaid labor, profiting like crazy by exploiting our most basic need. Then they turn around and go on their friend’s fancy podcast to talk about how gross it is to eat Cheetos and drink Coke.

Do you even lift bro?

Yea, palettes of mayo at Costco.

We all deserve whole, slow, holistic living but most of us are confined to cardboard boxes.

I did my first recovery at home long before social media. It was the 90’s so there are no pictures of my glorified skeleton gracefully accessorized with NG tubes, declaring to the world that I’d finally suffered enough and was now deserving of nourishment to save my perfect, dying body.

There were also no accounts of my frail, furry arms holding carefully curated meals featuring either 7 organic blueberries floating in a shallow pool of vegan coconut yogurt, or entire 5 star feasts I might’ve enjoyed while on a recovery vacation at the Amalfi Coast with my invisible parents who could afford to provide me with pristinely optimal conditions for living my most nourishing life. Dying is no excuse to stop working when you’re the help. Healing is a luxury most of us can’t afford.

The best I could achieve was recovered-ish. I followed my re-feeding plan to the letter, starting on electrolytes and baby food, working slowly back to solids. A couple of years later I was living on bagels and whatever I could sneak out of the dining hall at college, too busy working three jobs and going to school full time to notice everything had gotten bigger; my body, my schedule, my circle of friends, my life. It wasn’t all bad. In fact, I was really happy. But there was nothing aesthetic about it and I have no doubt Almond Moms and their kale warrior daughters would’ve given my meal plan a serious side eye.

Is that bagel even gluten free?

Nope. It was white bread drowning in salted butter.

Since then I’ve learned a lot more about food, meal planning, recovery and nutrition. (I now also make a living wage from one job which is a whole other story.) I love kale and salmon and all the things Pilates instructors would probably approve of, but that’s not why I choose to eat it. It’s also not the only kind of foods I eat. Any good Registered Dietitian will tell you fed is best and there’s no such thing as bad food.

We don’t become morally superior by mindfully eating steamed broccolini on organic clay plates with a recycled silver spork. I mean, if that’s your jam, spork it up but what we eat doesn’t make us better or worse than the next person.

Systemic oppression encultures us to believe we’re less deserving of human rights because we eat processed foods or wear fast fashion. Nope. We do it because it’s what we can afford. It’s what we know. It’s part of the culture or traditions we were raised with. It gives us a sense of safety, belonging, comfort or familiarity. Or it’s simply all we have access to. All for one and…one for Erewhon? As in, I think only the 1% can afford to shop there.

We could be here all day, but I have chores to finish. Time to create is a luxury too. So I’ll leave you with this. Love whatever’s on your plate. Be grateful for the body you have, the story you’re living and whoever’s at your table. It’s important to acknowledge inequality and there’s a critical need for representation when it comes to all forms of healing but stewing in unfairness won’t deliver us to the land of milk and honey. That’s why god gave us frozen pizza. ~

I love you pumpkin muffins.

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder here are some resources that may be helpful:

NEDA; National Eating Disorder Association

Find a therapist: Psychology Today

Overeater’s Anonymous: A safe, free, virtual or in-person community to get help for all forms disordered eating.

14 thoughts on “Bon Appetite”

  1. wisconsinweathers's avatar

    No, I don’t have an eating disorder, or most people do. I’m inclined to agree with you. Oh, I mean that I agree with you all the way. For myself, I’ve slipped in the past week and have suffered acid reflux for the first time in at least a year. It’s been oh so tasty. I’ll get back on track. Maybe you have ideas for me. When I haven’t eaten in awhile, I tend to want to throw up, until my body realizes the direction to swallow. Is that odd? Anyway. I’ve been looking at diet more in recent months and have discovered a huge amount about sugar and complex carbs. I could go into a litany about it. But that would be excessive. I will mention that a diabetes clinic did a study with participants volunteering from their facility. Without going into detail, everyone involved had significant health improvements if not total elimination of diabetes after cutting or reducing sugar and complex carb intake. There have been studies over the past forty years or so about the problems attached with these substances. In my mind, the reason not many people are doing much about it really does all boil down to money. What a world, eh?

    Liked by 1 person

    • E's avatar

      Hey B. Sorry to hear about your tummy troubles. Acid reflux is no fun. Some ginger tea maybe? I’m not a doctor but your symptoms sound like run of the mill reflux. Reducing stress always helps everything. Easier said than done of course 😉
      You’re spot on about sugar and carbs. When I was in my early twenties I went back to the eating plan recommended by OA; Whole foods (meaning nothing from a box) and cutting out white flour and white sugar. I never looked back. Cutting white refined sugar from my diet stopped my cravings and binges altogether. Now I use stevia for my (decaf) coffee and tea.
      The research on sugar all says the same thing: it’s no good in the massive quantities put into standard American food products.
      And you’re also right about why so many of us struggle to make those changes; time and money.
      Here’s to doing our best 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      • wisconsinweathers's avatar

        Previously, I had acid reflux pretty much nonstop for fifteen or more years. The only meds that had been prescribed for me was during that time. I stopped when I found out that they cause cancer. Lesson learned. I don’t know why I get stressed. I just do. But since I modified my diet and eating schedule, as long as I keep on it, I’m fine. For days, maybe longer, I have felt essentially no stress. I don’t know why. This afternoon, it’s back. I don’t consider myself hopeless. I hate having to make a living. It distracts me more than anything. Eating is right up there. I thought my gut was healed. Guess not. When that’s off, everything is off. Stress-gut-gut-stress. It’s a cycle that demands focus, just like everything else. It sounds like I’m hopeless. I’m only frustrated. You see, I had a couple of weeks of time off. The second was unscheduled. It was so peaceful, I don’t know how long it will take to recover. I’m not looking for anyone to take away my problems. Don’t worry. I’ve already come so far, especially these past few years.

        Liked by 1 person

      • E's avatar

        Never need to apologize for being human here. You’re so right about the mindfulness aspect of reducing stress. Especially in our society. We’re bombarded with activation and then add that to our own difficulties or trauma and we get bad tummies (among other things).
        It takes the average human body 1 hour to recover from a split second of activation (like seeing a spider and we jump!) Now, multiply that by however many years or hours of uninvited stress you’ve been exposed to; then no wonder your gut can’t relax, right?
        So, we all need 6 month vacations every six months for life 😂❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sue's avatar

    Man, Elizabeth – the dysfunction of the mainstream Western food culture (along with the rest of Western culture) is ridiculous; I was glad to see you write about it. Love your observation that rich white people cancelled food – they indeed gave us non-food, malnutrition, sneaky bad nutritional advice, body dysmorphia (via trauma, media etc), GM, pesticides, herbicides, monocrops, poisoned food chains, bulldozed ecosystems, laws to tie the hands of the ordinary people etc.

    As you know we’ve been trying to grow much of our own for the last decade, and to buy directly from other growers, to cut out corporates, food miles, waste, poor stewardship of land/animals/other humans as much as we can. We’ve still got a stacked system against us getting any of our produce to others who might like to buy directly from us, but we do what we can, and much reduced our supermarket shopping, and go to independent grocers a lot these days rather than the Coles/Woolies duopoly. It’s a journey we’re enjoying and the best thing is eating real food and reducing harm to the world.

    Your chart about the increasing corporatisation and monopolisation of the world food supply is one I hope many people become aware of.

    Love the picture of your dinner – yum, can I come over? Lovely to read your thoughts. THREE bad relationships? Wow. Sending love and sisterly greetings! ♥

    And a tomato sauce recipe with a preliminary supermarket rant from when we started serious weaning ourselves off:

    http://sue.coulstock.id.au/fight-back-with-real-tomato-sauce/

    Liked by 1 person

    • E's avatar

      Cheers sister! You’re welcome here anytime. I’m overdue for a catch up. Lots to fill you in on.

      Thanks for sharing the link to your recipe and post. Happy tomatoes taste the best. Yes, I’ve long admired the way you and Brett live; it’s the dream. A true labor of sustainable love.

      Can’t take credit for the chart but it’s a good one! Had to share it.

      Here’s to bulldozing the food industry right back with heaps of compost, truth and love xo

      Like

  3. Niki Flow's avatar

    Your IG post (Rich White People) brought me here. I immediately asked, “Ok who have I followed religiously for 20+ years?” and all of them fit this tag. The “10 Corporations” is infuriating and not surprising. I hope people understand this more and more. Have you ever read Report from Iron Mountain? Well, you probably can’t get it anymore. It was written in the 50s then removed from libraries in the 90s (I got a copy in the 80s after reading The Captains and the Kings) then vilified in the 2000s (called a “hoax”). I’m not a conspiracist, but the evidence since then is all pretty compelling. RFIM was a report from a conference in the 50s in Iron Mountain, WV. A bunch of ultra-rich, ultra-powerful people got together to decide how to control the population in the US without war (which is built into the economy but people weren’t buying the rhetoric anymore). Some ideas at the conference: space exploration and a common “enemy” to fight. Another was slavery. The one they settled on — putting additives into food like dextrous which is a bulker for example to create illness and a bazillion $ “health” industry as the side benefit — that wasn’t in the report, probably because they didn’t want their A Plan in writing. The food additives began in the 50s and so did the CIA experiments with mind control. If they could get people to eat 20 percent more popcorn by just splicing in milliseconds of “EAT POPCORN” into the films, imagine what they can do and have done in the 80+ years since. Science has exploded with knowledge and tech has gotten a lot smaller. Thus, we’d never know. My 2c. Love your shares E. Always. Thank you. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • E's avatar

      Just sitting here with my eyebrows raised in absolute shock. But also…wouldn’t put it past those guys. Geeeeez.
      I’m also not a conspiracist but I’ve been researching the food industry for years. It’s a bummer. They make deals with big pharma, the FDA and Wall Street all the time. Food products are basically the worst drug on the planet.
      We’re just out here doing our best, right?
      Much love right back Tizz 💜😊

      Liked by 1 person

  4. James's avatar

    Hi E. I had the same issues with drinking, and during my 20s would feel the same seeing a barrage of advertising telling me that i’d feel great holding a Bud, or cool drinking a Carlsberg. The daily battle of trying to not let these adverts sway you isn’t easy. But, whether it’s food, drink or drugs, the feeling is the same, and we’re in this together. Thanks for posting this. I saved the picture showing these few companies owning all these brands, so I can show my kids. Home cooked food is best, and with zero sugar! I think part of my struggle with drink was the craving for sugar, which, in a way, i still have to deal with. James

    Liked by 1 person

    • E's avatar

      100% James. Glad it resonated and hopefully validated. You’re so right, we’re all in this together. The battle to regulate, to feel safe is part of being human.
      Our brains don’t know the difference between sugar and coke. We’re designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain.
      When I cut white sugar from my diet I found the regulating peace my body was truly craving. I think that’s at the core of all recovery, regardless of our substance of choice, yea?
      Congrats on sobriety💜

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment