Commandment: Now I know my ABC’s and I’ll tell on anyone who says them wrong because I feel so much pressure to say them right.
Choice: No thank you. I would not like to donate to the thing. (Accept dirty look from cashier who will now judge you every time she sees you even though you just gave a boatload of resources to this other cause.)
Compassion Fatigue: I gave away too much care and now I can’t even.
PTA: I CARE with fear, anger, pain, enabling and Rice Krispie treats. I dress up my children in screen printed t-shirts, make them hold signs and guilt trip you into buying germ infested cupcakes because the children are our future! How many would you like?
Scrooge: I’m too hurt, angry and afraid to love people so I’m taking it with me unless spirits come terrify me out of being a wounded asshole.
Sweet-Keeping Member Berries: I have the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old in a grown up body. I pretend to look like I care but mostly am trying to shame you and everyone around me into behaving rightly, meanwhile I probably spend my weekends engaged in an array of deviant behaviors or embarrassing hobbies, like motorized Leggo building. I enjoy rambling on self-righteously for hours, repetitively describing how I did everything right or better and how you or the ‘bad guy’ on t.v did everything wrong. I also high-jack meetings using a grandiose, dramatic and punitive tone to talk ad nauseum about minor infractions or irrelevant decisions, like which paper cup company we should use or who violated the latest useless policy. You’ll know you’re in my presence because your head will explode.
Superman: I stop live volcanos with my fist because I’m super mad about unresolved loss that made me feel powerless, plus the chicks dig my spandex.
Christ: My dad says it’s all good. Please accept this bottomless fish sandwich with a side of unconditional love.
The White Escalade: Who do I make the check out to?
Dog Walker: Sparing change and scooping poop.
Yoga Pants: Ummmmmmmmmm, good vibes only.
Self-Care: Definition and participation may vary by zip code and socioeconomic status.
Earthlings: I care about permanently disturbing you with shocking footage of all the wrong things we do as humans until you’re shamed into becoming a vegan and living in a recycled van. Now you brush your teeth with mud on a stick. You’re welcome.
Fragile: Italian for ‘handle with care’.
That’s a good place to start. xo