As my grandmother told me, as her grandmother and great grandmother told her, the Abenakis retreated from northern New England to Canada during the war. My great great grandmother was a full blooded Den Mother. I suspect she’s responsible for the lucid snow dreams; the ones where I can talk to my grandmother or hear very specific messages from very familiar trees and not so distant strangers. Abenakis are peace-loving and had no desire to be converted, gentrified or sacrificed in the name of misaligned paradigms.

We were once known as The Wolf Nation, The People of the Dawn Land and finally, after choosing to disappear, The Invisible People.  

Ghosting as a means of survival, becoming invisible, is always something that resonated. It’s also something I’ve wrestled with. Silence, retreating, shrinking, compliance, repressing my truth, has been my most practical survival magic and likely the protective prison that’s kept me from experiencing the full and beautiful catastrophe of truly living. Hyper independence severs us from the kinds of sustaining connections we need to co-create with our own existence. Can any of us live apart our selves?

More than once, I’ve almost made myself completely disappear. I could never seem to get small enough to suffocate the big something inside me gnawing and clawing to be released, realized, alive. I still don’t know what it is, only that it’s persistent.

What does it mean to take up space? Be seen? Count? Have efficacy? Ghosts can walk through walls but no one notices. Divinely guided flesh can tear them down and clear a path from here to vastly infinite possibilities for anyone willing to take the trip. 

I’m not saying the obstacles aren’t real. I’m just saying, so are miracles.

Meditating on my ancestors as I try to make sense of recent dreams. I see you, thank you, love you. My blood. Your blood. Our blood.~

The truth is, I was cleaning up my phone and found this in my notes from December of 2020; the year everything died. It’s all too fitting I found it tonight. Happy eclipse. Happy spring. Happy everything xo