It took six years and ten days to let myself fall apart. Following you home in the car, wondering simultaneously if I’d lose you on the vintage green Honda in some horrific crash, or, if it was all over as soon as the flight from Cozumel touched ground. Truth be told, it ended the day you tried accosting me with the first of many bikes. If they’d have been women, would my anger or mourning be any more righteous?

It’s not that you’re wounded, the way we all are, or that everything’s forgivable. It’s that, I’m not immune to my own humanity. I can’t be on all the time; anchored under the protective armor of diagnostic rationalizations. One hemisphere knows while the other feels. I prefer living pragmatic oceans apart from my self.

Didn’t see the loss coming. All the walls came crumbling down with blood, pounds and illusions. Thought I’d built myself up enough to withstand whatever cosmic battering came next. I.V league. Once again, I was reminded of who’s really in control. F@$k free will and confine us with divine love instead.

I surrendered to my own flesh. You turned out to be emptier than I’d ever been.

The fault line, however, lies with me. Despite repeated attempts to seal or heal it, the likes of you seep in like flood waters over the desert. Subcutaneous starvation fails to patch test before committing to consummation, so ravenous little idiots pay the price.

Fortunately, the debt’s paid, cord’s cut and chain broken. It only took his story repeating itself over centuries for us to eventually wake up. ~

6 thoughts on “Walk in the Park

  1. “It’s that, I’m not immune to my own humanity. I can’t be on all the time; anchored under the protective armor of diagnostic rationalizations. One hemisphere knows while the other feels. I prefer living pragmatic oceans apart from my self.” —-I believe one of the greatest and most unique about your words is that you allow us to see your soul and the reasoning of your heart. Great words. Beautiful writing. Empowering. Encouraging. Stay the course. ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. …yeah. ♥ To prevent the scenario in your last paragraph, which I’m so familiar with from my own experience: Treat a relationship like a job application. Go through pages of criteria etc (on a decent online dating site which does extensive written stuff, like RSVP at least used to be when we used it 15 years ago) and don’t meet anyone who doesn’t sound decent on virtual paper, with you judging with your intellect and not getting in trouble with your emotions or with sexual chemistry making decisions for you that aren’t likely to be the best long-term decisions. That’s how I arrived in a fair, healthy relationship, anyway – and though that sounds unromantic, it wasn’t unromantic at all once we met – but we were really good friends BEFORE that other stuff. More here:

    http://curefans.com/index.php?topic=9201.msg774094#msg774094

    There’s lots of preliminaries on dating before it gets to our story, but you might enjoy those too. Eventually I’ll tidy it up and re-post it to my blog.

    As you know, no relationship is perfect, and ours isn’t either – we’ve had things to sort out, and there will always be work to do – but is it fair, and is it good enough, and is it a two-way street, and is it good teamwork, and it is equitable, and neither of us is exploited or lied to – and we are happy 95% of the time and have no regrets.

    And I really do think that sussing people out on paper first, and extensively, is a far better bet than trying to do that in person, with all the emotional and pheromonal complications that go with such meetings… it’s like asking your brain – your adult self – to be your own matchmaker, and do a good job…

    But then I’m an outlier. Still, give it a shot one day and let me know how that goes…

    Here’s a song to stimulate some endorphin production!

    ♥ Sue

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matchmaking makes me think of fire. It’s likely my inner child has some explaining to do.

      The happiness you share with Brett is beautiful. Cheers for the encouragement, endorphins, music and as always, great metaphors. 😘

      Like

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