How do we end poverty?

Those in power must first be willing to acknowledge their unearned privilege. Then, they must be willing to share by dismantling the systems they run which only work to their advantage. I know. It’s a lot to ask. And super overwhelming. I mean, what’s a guy or gal to do when they’re born in a Birkin bag? Also, in case you’re wondering, a Birkin bag is a uterus designed by Jean Louis Hermès for that Uber famous chick, Jane Birkin who’s famous for being…the hot girlfriend of some rich dude who pretended to be Russian.

Then, those of us born in Tupperware factories have to find the willingness to scoop up the remains of our gutted souls and pincushion hearts to become semi-responsible, partially reluctant adults. I taught myself how to use Turbo Tax and promise to never hitch hike again, unless I ever make it to Belize.

The solutions, admittedly, suck worse than enduring wildfires during a global pandemic, but seriously, did you think this was gonna be easy?

This morning I got up at the godforsaken hour of 5 am to ensure I wasn’t late for an important date, and spent the first hour reading the first fairy tale explaining how life became hell on earth. And all I gotta say is, f$&@ them apples.

We’ll get back to the garden to someday. In the meantime, here’s a few suggestions on how to make existence suck less for us lowly mortals:

• Stop buying and breeding your way into private schools, colleges and positions of power. You’re essentially clubbing yourselves to death.
• Eradicate country clubs. I mean, really. Who needs free Manhattans for life? Are they really free?
• Create inclusive networks for job opportunities across a variety of fields. This of course requires confronting inequality, unearned privilege and discrimination. Sorry to burst your bubbles dudes but you’re not that smart. You just look the part in that swanky, tailored suit. It’s not our fault you’re a gutless hottie.
• Eradicate the need for maids and servants. No one wants to be the help. Buy smaller houses and pick your own pubes off the back of the toilet. I’ve been told most of my life this is ‘character building.’ Build your own character for once.
• Eradicate estates, castles and villas. They’re architecturally beautiful symbols of oppression. 
• Chamber pot emptying is an education unto itself. Awwww sheeeet. I‘d rather learn how to bake sourdough bread.
• Recognize and tend to ‘wealthy people wounds’ regarding fears of worthlessness in the absence of hoarded status, resources and violently exploitative ‘traditions’. You’re still a valuable human being even if one of your houses doesn’t end up in a magazine.
• On the flip side, stop using food stamps to buy flat screen tv’s. Your baby is hungry.
• Stop having babies just to get a bigger Section 8 house. You’re not beating the system. You’re just giving birth to another traumatized generation. Sorry. I love you…so much, it hurts.
• If you happen to be the boss of a giant empire, pay the little people living wages. All the little people. Cashiers need to make thirty bucks an hour, period. Otherwise, we’re setting people up to struggle, ‘cheat’ the system and remain dependent on toxic family members, roommates or abusive partners. Financial autonomy is essential for personal growth, maturity and freedom. In the absence of financial freedom we’re perpetuating a codependent culture who are groomed into intergenerational servitude. No one wants to settle for the discounted version of the human experience. The very notion that one must suffer the rigors of self-improvement just to barely scrap by, is a blindly privileged, passively abusive bias. Meritocracies make everyone sick and tired. I promise, even if we pay people living wages, some overachieving genius will still want to be a rocket scientist. Living wages won’t make people lazy. They’ll empower people to no longer be dependent on charities.
• Eradicate charities. Charities enable oppression by masking the realities of unearned privilege, not to mention feeding the egos of philanthropists and all their friends. If you just pay people a living wage and dismantle the paradigm of servitude (cashiers, gas station attendants, food service workers, janitors etc. are all essentially modern-day slaves within an invisible caste system), we wouldn’t need charities. Charities reveal our collective inhumanity. A humane society has no need for charities because a humane society recognizes all people as equal and acts accordingly. 
• Tell the horrific truth. Our silence only serves to enable perpetrators, which keeps them stuck in their hurt too. I didn’t experience the fullness of this awareness until…right now. It’s taken me half a lifetime of choking on reality to realize the only person my silence has ever protected are the people who hurt me. Hey man. You’re being a real jerk. What happened to you? Telling the truth sets everyone free.
• Love yourself. If you don’t know what that means; find out. Consider it. Considerate.
• Oh, and finally, just shift your mindset. I mean, I know we’re like, spiritually and emotionally starving, but bust out your gratitude journal and find things to be grateful for. Dear Birkin Uterus, thank you for making the world a more beautiful place. You are all the vibessss.
  

A few suggestions, for starters. The main course is quantum consciousness but I need a ten hour nap first. xo

ps: is this too harsh? I don’t know anymore. My dreams lately have consisted of trudging down highways in blizzards with orphans towards the ocean. We want to be free but we’re surrounded by flying, metal hermit crabs who growl at us from the sky. Sometimes consideration feels like a joke we play on ourselves so I thought I’d try laying on an inversion table and seeing if it looked right, upside down or right side up.