Anyone else plagued by waves of shame and guilt? Like you did something wrong, you’re in big, big trouble but you don’t know what you did and also, you’re not 5 anymore? Yea, me too. It’s normal.
One of the many joys of surviving complex trauma is fearing punishment for crimes we didn’t commit. The current state of the world might feel like a punishment; we may find ourselves thinking somehow, this global pandemic is all my fault. If only I’d been better, tried harder, been less of burden, these horrific things wouldn’t be happening.
When I’m scared, I research. Knowledge is power but too much information can be paralyzing. Unlike the bad things that happened to us as children, there’s some truth to the responsibility we share in healing the past; yours, mine, ours. I can’t help but see this current situation as a symptom of the universal wound of global family dysfunction; a fear of things that’ve remained hidden out of oppression, historical violence, ignorance, privilege and the silencing of voices who dare to speak the truth; the personal, the professional, the political and the psycho-spiritual. The one and all.
I continue to wrestle with questioning my part in our healing, while simultaneously battling my own nightmares. Every damned night. I’m scared and yet, I’m also showing up to do my job. I want to cry, run away, make it stop and have someone else be responsible for everything on my plate and yet, I continue to chop wood, carry water and put on a clean pair of yoga pants. This whole thing feels like a collective 4th Step. Nothing is covered up that won’t be revealed, or hidden that won’t be known. What we do with what we find is, like it or not, our choice. Ain’t free will a bitch?
Doing my best to face and embrace it. When we bring all our truth into the light, there’s nothing left to fear. Be an ass for Love. xo
Blue signifies the celestial love of truth, the color of Mary’s robes. It signifies stability, tranquility, water, sky, sadness, abundance, creation and life. It is also the color associated with our Throat Chakra; the center of purification, expression and truth.
Here’s a grounding meditation created by my dear friend and energy healer, Hank. I hope you find it helpful:
This is how I feel about Monday: