Check in, check out or check labels.

If we’re trying to lose weight, continue breathing and generally feel good, we shouldn’t eat the delicious, chemical conglomerations created by processed food corporations. This includes, but is not limited to:

• Anything on the entire 500 page menu at Cheesecake Factory, except steamed broccoli which no one wants anyway.
• Boxed cereals aka frosted crack.
• Frozen foods because what’s DISODIUM DIHYDROGEN PYROPHOSPHATE?
• T.V Dinners because Lean Cuisines are too small, mostly chemical soup and I need like 5 to feel full.
• 90% of what’s in the supermarket; look down and make a b-line for apples
• Any food that has a commercial; if we need a jingle to remind us to eat something it’s probably a delicious trick. Anyone else blush when you see a mac n cheese commercial? Cheeses Christ.
• Twinkies; I mean really, who’re we kidding?
• Boxed baked goods; just say no Betty Ford….I mean Crocker. Same difference.
• Bakery chains; oh no you donut! Cake pops are slutty lies on a stick.
• Meat in a cone; bologna.
• Milk in a cone; because frozen breast milk equals cystic acne. Plus, those poor cows.
• Sugar. Stop pretending you haven’t seen all the documentaries.
• Veal; cause eating kids is gross and inhumane even if you cover it with prego.
• Processed animal flesh; You don’t know where I’ve been Lou! I prefer knowing an animal’s name before engaging in consummation.
• Anything from a gas station Quick Mart. How long has that tuna sandwich been there? Is it even fish?
• Coke; not only because it eats rust off old cars but because it’s called coke and was originally made from coke and it’ll burn holes in our teeth, guts and soul.
• Anything offered by a Burger King or Clown; maybe don’t eat things sold by cartoon characters as a general rule?
• Pizza, especially if it’s served by a singing rat named Chucky.
• Frosted Brownies: Newsflash, they’re not a health food. I know, right? Bummer.
• Banana Bread. Sadly, even though it’s made of fruit, it’s chock full of fat and sometimes nuts. Who knew?
• Pasta in a bread bowl, because it’s pasta, in a bowl of bread.
• Pop Tarts, aka Project Scones; primary ingredient: Denial, not blueberries.
• Anything in the checkout section of the supermarket. It might feel like rocket science to think candy bars and Us Weekly are not vitamins, but they’re totally not vitamins.
• I’m getting tired of making this list, so to make it super easy, anything that tastes good, makes us sick and fat. If you wanna be “healthy” just eat stuff off the ground. Oxy moron, right? I feel like Papa Gino is crying somewhere on a rock, eating Oreo’s.

Happy foraging.