legs

Some people love winter. I get it. You ski and have 100 Pinterest boards dedicated to Hygge featuring cozy cabins, soup recipes, arm knitted scarves, steaming mugs topped with cinnamon sticks, majestic landscapes draped in white, glittering fondant. Chimneys, sleds and icicles make you nostalgic. There’s even a special drawer for your collection of mittens. Great. Some of us feel very differently. If you happen to be one of those people whose face doesn’t turn white, purple and chapped while shuffling from the house to your dirty, frozen car in the morning, kindly snowshoe to the next igloo. This doesn’t concern you.

The struggle is real, especially when your BMI is made up of pumpkin puree and a pathetic ration of crunchy peanut butter. Apparently the country’s in some sort of deep freeze, including Florida. This is normally the time of year they’d be posting snowmen made of beach sand and SPF; instead my girlfriend’s sons are taking turns wearing the mermaid blanket I sent her at Christmas. It’s teal, makes you look like an ocean goddess and they don’t care. The older I get the less tolerance I have for how much heat and hot water I still can’t afford. This morning I cleaned the house in a snowsuit. We try to save our wood so a single cord lasts all winter; one of the perks of loft living. When my husband left to go skateboarding my nose was running while I waited for water to boil. Baby, I’m freezing. And then he said a series of all the wrong things: Why? Because even though there’s no snow on the ground, it’s winter. I thought that was obvious. Put some clothes on. As I previously mentioned I was already wearing a snowsuit so this was not an option. Me too. Don’t even. And finally: What can I do about it? Then he kissed me, took our fur child and left to go play outside.

While hunched and sniffling over a broom I thought of ten things he and other smart partners can say when she says I’m cold!

TEN THINGS TO SAY WHEN SHE SAYS I’M COLD:

1. You should eat something. Acceptable alternatives include: You looked cold so I brought you this warm cheese pizza with a bowl of heated sauce for you to dunk your slices in because that’s how much I love you.

2. I’ve installed that hot tub you always wanted. I have always wanted my own lava hot, germ free wading pool. Thank you king of my sweet dreams.

3. Here is a cordless electric blanket which I’ve set to broil. Some blankets come with lame settings like low, medium and high. This one is the winner.

4. Free People started making ethical, fashion-forward snuggies so I got one for you. It’s beautiful and I love it almost as much as I now love you.

5. I got you this piping hot, calorie-free chai, mocha cocoa with semi-melted Cool Whip and the perfect chocolate chip cookie. Genius.

6. How about a foot massage before I put these heated booties on your feet? You’re too kind. The massage oil is next the neti pot in the second drawer.

7. I called Mother Nature and ordered Summer. It’ll be here in 15 minutes or it’s free. I married a wizard.

8. Our plane for Mexico leaves in an hour and we’re all packed. Bonus points for sending in my letter of resignation and winning the lottery.

9. I booked you 3 months at Brassada Ranch with unlimited sauna access. My sweet baboo, how did I ever live without you?

10. Your editor called. Your unwritten book is a bestseller and we’re moving to Belize. I don’t have editor yet but that sounds delightful.

I’m happy to say there’s a fire burning now, my hubs and our dog are home and there’s nothing like love, laughing and ten wild fantasies to put the color back in your cheeks.

Stay warm, friends. xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

31 thoughts on “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

  6. :):):) hahaha dear E, those are all the perfect answers when “she says she is cold” We are experiencing extreme colds here, that we never get, so I am not doing well with it either. Fortunately, I have that heating blanket 😉 Mine is set to broil too. I fold it in half, and then again. I lift the top 3 layers, and slide my legs into it 😉 If I can keep the legs and feet warms, seems the rest follow suit. Praying you get some warm weather soon, my friend!

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  7. This made me laugh! We are having record dry temps here, but we already notice Elle absolutely hates being cold!! Bea will run, do penguin-belly flops, and explore for hours in the cold. At the tiniest bit of wind, Elle hunches down exclaiming, “I’m freeeeezing!!” I wonder if a more temperate location is in her future? 🤣

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      • It was great. Other than a swift punch in the face, these comments will have to do when I am faced wtih this in the future. Seriously i have on snow skiing socks. Snow skiing hat, 2 layers of top and bottom and under a heating blanket. Still cold.
        If someone told me to eat something i could possible hit them. I mean it is highly likely!!!!!
        Fortunately!!!!! My dearest husband called on the way home and asked if he could pick up dinner. YESSS. And the rest of my fam did not choose to use all of the hot water and linger and lounge about in the shower knowing I needed it!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m laughing with your anger cause I do know feeling. Ugh. Thank god for the people who love us. My husband has been especially amazing this winter. I hope this deep freeze passes quick for you Bethany. Until then snark on!

        Liked by 1 person

      • LOL!!!!!
        I would not last a day in snow!
        But your answers would apply to just about anything really. I mean if someone says they are in pain or exhausted or suffering etc. the correct reply is not and should not be dumb ass!!!!
        Snark on sister !

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  11. Very funny! 🙂 I believe I have shared my Y-chromosome theory with you before. 😉

    Yeah, the record low temperatures I’ve experienced here in Australia rarely fall below freezing but I completely empathise with the whole being-cold-in-a-house with expensive, inefficient heating you can’t afford to run for too long. It’s why we built a passive solar house in the end, when we had the good fortune to be able to build our own house. We were sick of seeing our breath fog in the air on winter mornings inside, and having to wear thermal underwear, mittens and mountain jackets and pants inside the house.

    I remember a little caravan park style cabin I rented for three months in my early 30s, and how I used to get up in the middle of the night to run hot water into a bucket to put my freezing feet into, that had kept me awake. Using an electric blanket hadn’t occurred to me then, and that turned out to be the easiest, cheapest fix to stay warm when trying to sleep…

    One time I rented a house for a short time where one day I got up and it was actually warmer in the refrigerator than in the kitchen!

    I don’t know why our species is called Homo sapiens. Homo ridiculus would be more appropriate…

    Cheers and best wishes! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Sophie! Always good hearing from you. Yes you’ve shared your y-chromosome theory before. Your solar home sounds like a wise investment. I can’t imagine the freezing bucket shower; homesteader dedication there! Homo-ridiculous! Haha. Sounds about right, but I do love trying to figure us out 🙂

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