How was your weekend? I hope it was restful. Life is so complex; I mean, it’s beautiful but it doesn’t exactly come with an instruction manual. There’s the word and fairy tales but sometimes we find ourselves in a story gap. Yea? This morning on my run (which I had to do early before it got too hot, the guy at the tattoo place said no gym for at least a week. Pray I can stay motivated.) I was thinking about recovery, addictions, depression, anxiety, our sad stories. I wish I could teach myself to think about other things like how to roll out fondant or the secret life of bees. If you have any suggestions I’m all ears. Anyway, I was thinking we can get pretty good at practicing our fixes, whatever our thing happens to be, because it’s what we know how to do; survive. I’m really good at working out and skipping meals but I’d rather become the best version of myself. Isn’t that what Oprah says? Live your best life. But how? Don’t say Brene Brown said. I can’t even.
Since we got back from Mexico I found myself feeling stuck, frustrated, cagey and probably stupid. Do you know that feeling? When you’re wanting to get out and do but you don’t know what, where or how. When you’re feeling that dormant dream inside you clawing to come out but you can’t see all the parts, don’t know what the next steps are and find yourself blaming the emptiness on all your faults or the past or the world.
When I got home from running I watched church on my phone. I was feeling too anxious to be around people today. Mornings are like that sometimes. Do you ever get anxious in the morning? It’s exhausting. Anyway the pastor was talking about entitlement (which I wrote about yesterday-do you believe God winks at us sometimes? I think he does and find it reassuring. Like maybe I’m in sync with him and on the right track somehow.) The pastor said gratitude was the cure for entitlement. I think we feel grateful often. I hear it in the things you say, the stories you share. I think we can praise God for every blessing in our life and still feel scared, confused, sad and maybe angry. So then I wondered about where love and acceptance fit in. Do you feel loved? Accepted? What about accepting? Sometimes I wish I had a different story but mostly I just wish I knew what to do with it. Buddha says attachment is the root of all suffering-I don’t always love being told to let go of this or that by ascended deities. They don’t have troubled pasts or 50 hour work weeks. How do we not become attached to the desire to feel normal or have at least some sense of security? (I know. I get it! But sometimes…geez.) How about worthy? Deserving? Do we feel good enough to ask for even the small things? That got me. I think we act entitled (or disinterested-that’s the other end; life? What life? I’m happy with all this nothing.) because we’re scared we won’t get whatever it is we think we need, which ultimately turns out to be love, safety and probably acceptance. Maybe at first we ask for things like a partner, a cure, a big house, money, the eradication of dust. It would be awesome to never have to do housework again. Is that selfish? But then we might find ourselves asking for other things like peace of mind and some assurance that we won’t have to feel pain ever again. The pastor said it’s not possible. Pain is just part of life and gratitude is our best defense against the inevitable. Well in that case, thanks! Haha.
Sometimes when I write I wonder if I forget to make it clear so I wanted to you know I think it all boils down to love. We’re not looking for someone to blame or hate on. We’re not looking for some big prize. It’s like that scene in The Wedding Singer when the limo driver says we just want someone to hug us and tell us everything’s going to be ok.
Consider this note a hug. You’re loved and everything’s going to be ok. xo-e
p.s I almost forgot, here’s my tattoo. I’m guessing this is part of the equation.