It’s not that I’m anti mothers or ungrateful for the miracle of human reproduction but I’ve always found myself averse towards rewarding adult choices. There’s something trivializing and strangely dysfunctional about this particular holiday. Again, it’s not that I don’t  appreciate the concept of caregiving, it just feels like the original intent for the holiday went horribly sideways. Anna Jarvis’s idea was for mom’s to gather in prayer for peace following the war, but she says the day was high-jacked by Fraternal orders, Christian “pirates” and candy makers. Do teachers, cops, non-profit ‘saviors’ and other socially sanctioned “heroes” perform their tasks in the hopes of earning breakfast in bed? (Hint: Yes. That’s how propaganda works. Though it’s probably best to leave incentives out of parenting.) If I invent a holiday for myself will Calgon take me away? Probably. Nothing says  I love you like You owe me; the favorite, unspoken American slogan which drives both sales and division. It’s kind of a set up. I 100% agree our treatment of women and children are heinous but again, so are all the other lies of Capitalism. Hallmark charges roughly $5 to perpetuate insufficiency. The diamond and flower companies are next in line to cash in on relationships. Sorry Anna, we know this wasn’t your original intent. And anyway I don’t have the energy to get into the exploitation of every living being in this particular moment.

I’m exhausted. It’s hard feeling warm when we’ve got a sociopathic misogynist as our leader, every professionally employed mother I know is secretly ready to rip out her eyeball and I work at ground zero for child abuse. Brutal honest truth. It’s difficult to hear about women’s desperate, almost vicious attempts to become pregnant and in the next breath complain about a loss of ‘me time’. Which is it? Too many unresolved legacies of hurt and not enough breathing room to digest it all and reconnect to hope. I think that’s why God invented writing. Plus I booked a vacation. Also, I refuse to lose my sense of humor.

So, here’s a list of nominees for Thankless Adult Responsibilites. In no particular order they are:

• Blowing your nose
• Marrying the wrong person and deciding what to do about it
• Any obligatory anything because you’ve not yet learned to set boundaries
• Laundry (assuming you’re not houseless and/or have access to some form of laundering, a river or bank will do)
• Making decisions which impact not just you, for better or worse and owning it
• Acceptance
• Having to find something or someone to believe in
• Choosing a hairstyle you will not regret in several decades assuming you live that long
• Not parentifying your children or attempting to forgive yourself if you did (even if doing so really worked out for you)
• Turbo Tax
• Diligently fighting injustice with varying degrees of dignity
• Making sacrifices purely out of love even if no one ever sees it-What?!? Ugh.
• Tolerating Spam, cause sometimes that’s all there is in the pantry
• Storing all the things you bought while maxing out your credit cards
• Hiding the bodies
• Quitting any number of bad habits you’ve adopted to cope with the horrors of reality
• Paying your debts
• Wiping your own bum (assuming you have a bum and at least one arm with enough dexterity to accomplish the task)
• Hiring someone to wipe your bum
• Being a bum wiper
• Developing a moral compass
• Attempting to live according to the moral compass you developed
• Creating a back up plan
• Not maiming people for their ignorance
• Eating (I guess)
• Providing for yourself (subcategories here include: working at a job, becoming a disengaged anti-establishment hermit, mooching, managing your trust fund)
• Trying to think of everyone and say the right thing without hurting anyone’s feelings
• Failing
• Trying difficult things, like exercising patience and trust
• Waking up and participating in existence
• Choosing activities
• Bathing
• Avoiding injury
• Planning for an unforeseeable future
• Moderating your ego
• Dream analysis
• Spreadsheets or spread sheets
• Emotion management and if you can bare it, expression
• Repairs
• Avoiding anhedonia
• Finding appropriate places to scream until your sanity returns
• Discretion
• Not stealing everything

And finally, sending your mum a card to say thanks for whatever she did to contribute to you becoming a grown up who gets to enjoy a list of thankless grown up responsibilities, one of which might just be choosing to become a mom.

I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.