Gross

Image result for that's gross face

Did I write that?

Writing is terrifying. When I tip-toed into blogging just over a year ago I hadn’t found my voice yet. Words came out like rush hour into an emotional traffic jam. Being introverted doesn’t help. I’m terrible at giving myself permission to be a real person who occasionally sucks at everything but writing seems to help which is why I keep doing it. If I were writing about gardening or what I had for lunch every day maybe it would be easier but instead I felt compelled to write about life, trauma, recovery and every awful memory from my childhood. What the hell was I thinking? Do you ever feel like that? Have you ever looked at what you’ve put out there and thought, gross. Why? Noooooooo! It’s a feeling like cutting your bangs too short on picture day in middle school. Dear younger me: die. What did writers do back in the day to share work and feedback? Oh right, they hung out in pubs. So much draft burning. Do we ever get to just feel comfortable in our skin? I hope so. xo

23 thoughts on “Gross”

  1. Every time I hit publish, I think something was disjointed and confusing and then someone will like a post from a ways back and I’ll read it again and have to say to myself I am just a tool for something greater and that the source gets the credit for the inspiration and gift. I just know it feels good to get it out there where it may be of some help- formulating, revising and editing all help me to be honest with myself about my position on these matters

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  3. I’ve deleted two posts from my blog, the one was for oversharing a trauma something I wasn’t comfortable with being online. The other post where I was just ranting about an old friend that I don’t get along with anymore. It seemed petty when I read it back to myself I felt like that kind thing doesn’t serve any purpose. Love the pic of your post

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  5. I don’t think I give myself permission to suck at stuff, sometimes I just suck at stuff 😉 LOL I’ve got the point that I don’t let it bother me. I decided, with God’s help, I am not perfect nor will I ever be and I can torment myself over it or I can chose to let it be 🙂 I look at my life and decided, ok enough, I’ve been miserable the first half(over half) of my life and the rest is going to be as happy as I LET it be 🙂 With God’s help I am strong enough to chose and let myself be happy. Am I happy all the time, nope that would be BS but I am happy most of the time, and that’s more than I’ve ever had 🙂 I love your post so I hope you read them and are proud of the raw honesty that you put out into the world. That’s what the world needs raw honest accounts, of real things that happen to real people. You are a blessing my friend. Happy Easter!! 🙂

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  6. Hey there! 🙂 Can you imagine how you’d feel if you had been some young twenty-something pop star writing dysfunctional but hugely successful “love songs” that you’d got famous for, and then you matured and went, “OMG, how insane was that? What was I *thinking*?” And how embarrassing that would potentially be, to always have that on the public record and to be famous for it, and to have no way to get rid of it ever?

    Whereas you’re a more mature person looking back on a wealth of life experience and actually at a stage where you’re putting all the puzzle pieces together, rather than just floating along trying to keep your head above water. And you’re writing about things that actually really need to be on the record somewhere, because this is all underreported precisely because it’s so unglamorous, and yet it’s real and the total and necessary antithesis to the whole social media image construction thing that’s going on. I read that in more recent surveys one quarter of Australian women under 25 say they have self-harmed – that’s up significantly from previous data and they think the biggest factor behind the increase is social media pressures that have arisen quite recently in history, creating all this fakeness and pressure and evaluation at unprecedented levels.

    I like the quote, “Where there’s no daylight there’s no healing” – from a song about child sexual abuse by clergy on U2’s Songs of Innocence. The more honest discourse there can be on this stuff, the better. You’re seeing your writing from the “inside perspective” of the writer and that brings with it all sorts of vulnerabilities and complex emotions. Others have only the “outside perspective” of reading your work and from where I sit, it’s great stuff, really worth the read, and no, it doesn’t at all sound whiny – like Angela’s Ashes, it’s a candid account of a really difficult childhood, warts and all, beautifully written, and with some really dark humour. Reading stuff like that can only increase understanding and empathy and it’s very humanising.

    Next related topic – did you know how many rejections some really famous books initially had? “All Creatures Great and Small” had hundreds of “no thank yous” and only got published because the author’s wife kept sending the manuscript around. Her husband was going, “Who’d want to hear about the life of a cow doctor anyway?” and now it’s the most famous veterinary biography in the world. Similar rejections occurred with “Harry Potter” and we both know it’s inspired stuff, and how those “no thanks” publishing houses must now be eating their hats!

    On the other hand, you can be almost guaranteed publication no matter how low the quality, if you write for a formula Mills&Boon type enterprise. But you’d not exactly be educating the public! 😉

    Take heart, you’re doing something special and worthwhile. I’m totally going to cheer you on!

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    • I’m sitting on a wooden stool at your feet taking notes, nodding and tilted my head a couple of times…what? Awww? Really? Thanks 🙂 I’m only terrified and overcome with existential doubt and self-loathing once every couple of weekends. I don’t do formulas, the math kind or the writing kind. Yes, rejection is a fantastic part of authenticity, just a tiny bit lonely sometimes. So it’s great having you in my cheering section. Thanks! ❤️

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  7. Do you know I never go back and reread what I wrote! I don’t even go back to check for grammar errors because if I did, i would tear it apart and toss it in the trash. I write then hit publish. I am so hard on myself and I don’t want to judge the words that I write from my heart but I know I will. So I just hope that others can look past any errors and find something in my writing that is insightful to them. I cannot even imagine what I would do if I went back to the beginning of my blog and reread what I wrote a few years ago. Yikes!
    I’m glad you are speaking your truth and sharing experiences and feelings. It helps others feel they are not alone.

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    • When I first starting writing I did the same; hit and run haha. Now I’ve started going back and editing and yes, we can be really hard on ourselves. I’m finding it helpful to go back and edit, helpful but not easy.
      Thanks for the encouragement. That’s been the best part of blogging-supporting each other as we figure it all out. Thanks.

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  9. I think it’s cathartic to publish these lingering ghosts in our lives, to expunge them. I think writing and sharing does that. I think that you writing about your past gives solace to those who want to do the same. Keep on writing!

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